We're All Quitters

So, I've had an awakening. Something happened to me this week that has drastically altered the way I view myself and all the boys I've ever come in contact with within the past 6 years of my life.

Earlier this week I was sitting in a booth at JCW's mindlessly sipping my hot chocolate as I listened to a boy give me "the talk." He nervously ran his hands through his hair as he stumbled to say the all too familiar lines- "I really wanted this to work but I just don't see it going long term." "I think you're great and we should definitely still be friends." "I hope this doesn't mean the next time I see you that it will be awkward between us." As I sat there listening to him trying to let me down easy, this thought of *this feels wrong* kept running through my head. Not wrong as in I'm totally in love with this boy and we're meant to be together so this is totally wrong-wrong. Wrong as in this feels premature and no wonder you don't see it going long term because we've only been going out for 3 weeks and if you're already trying to see if you can picture us choosing china patterns together then YOU'RE the wrong one.

However, I remained calm throughout the conversation. I even inserted a few "No, you're totally fine!" and "I get it, no biggie" comments to let him know that I really was fine but I still couldn't shake the feeling. Is this really the fate of my love life? One of us loses interest after a few weeks so we move onto the next person. That's how it's always been so that's probably how it will always be. The whole process seems to come just as easily to all of us as deciding we don't like that sweater that's been sitting in our closet for months so we better just donate it to DI. It wasn't working with our wardrobe and I definitely don't see it being part of my style "long term."

At the end of it all, we parted our ways and I immediately called my sister. Within 2 minutes of talking to her I realized something. The reason most young people don't make it past the 3-week dating threshold is because we're all quitters. It may sound harsh but it's true. How often do we hear that the millenial generation has all this potential but their unrealistic expectations is what causes them to quit something just as fast as they start it? We also happen to be one of the most depressed generations we've seen yet. My theory is we're depressed because the most important part of our lives (relationships) keep failing. We may claim we don't believe in love at first sight but isn't holding out for someone to sweep you off your feet within the first 3 weeks of knowing them pretty much saying the same thing? Sure, you've made it past the first sight but it's basically just postponing the love part 21 days and seeing if it happens then.

Simon Sinek gave an amazing interview on millenials in the workplace recently (highly recommend) and though I didn't realize it at the time, listening to that interview really prepared me for my moment of awakening. He said that millenials aren't patient. We all have great intentions. We want to have happy, meaningful lives but we forget about the time and patience it takes to get there. He compared our situation to us standing at the bottom of a mountain and wanting to reach the summit but being unwilling to make the climb it takes to get there. After 8 months of working in a new job, we think we should be highly satisfied and if we're not, then we should just quit and find something else. Or after 3 weeks of dating someone, if the sparks aren't there then we should move on to find someone that does excite us. The sad part is that because things continue to not work out, we're left feeling depressed. Few things have meaning in our lives because we aren't willing to put the time in for them to become meaningful.

Simon's words paired with the hundreds of dates I've gone on made me realize I've been doing it all wrong. A year ago, I would have been right there with hot chocolate boy, agreeing with every word that came out of his mouth. We would have both left that conversation feeling proud that we managed to have such a pleasant meeting and would have left on our merry little way in search of the next relationship destined for failure.

After the trillionth time of this happening, however, I decided to say something. Within 5 minutes of leaving each other, I called this boy. He answered the phone and after a few awkward filler phrases I started to speak freely about what I was thinking. I let him know that I think we had it all wrong. I think the reason it felt like we didn't have chemistry is because dating scares the hell out of both of us. I said it's because we place such high expectations on relationships that we start out feeling scared and nervous to begin with making it impossible for us to be ourselves. In order to make sense of it all, we start blaming it on the lack of chemistry. We say that if it were meant to be, things would be easier from the beginning. That's the first lie we tell ourselves. Never have I made a best friend within the first 3 weeks of knowing that person. Truthfully, I question the people who say they have. How deep can any friendship be that's lasted only 3 weeks? Sure, maybe if you spend every waking moment of every day together but even still, there is no replacement for time.

It makes me think about my dear friend, Sarah (not her real name but why not). Sarah and I met over the summer on a camping trip with friends. I thought Sarah was cool, she thought I was cool, we exchanged numbers. Done. A few months later, I moved up close to where Sarah was living. She and I reconnected and started spending a lot more time together. We would hang out every weekend and our hangouts were nice and enjoyable but it wasn't until 3 months of us seeing each other 1-3 times a week that we really started to feel like best friends. It took a lot of time for me to actually feel comfortable being myself with her. In the beginning, things were pleasant enough but nothing too exciting would happen while we were together. Now almost every time we hang out, we end up laughing until our stomachs hurt. I'm seeing a whole different side of her I didn't know existed because of the time it took for us to be comfortable around each other. (Now, if I could marry Sarah, I would but unfortunately neither of us swing that way.)

Why would we ever assume it'd be different with romantic relationships? Isn't all of our dreams to marry our best friend? Don't we all want someone who will make us laugh until our stomachs hurt?

My advice to my fellow millenials is to be patient. Unless the person sitting across from you in that JCW's booth smells like feet and has absolutely nothing in common with you, give them a bit more than a few weeks. I know that's the advice all the old people have been giving us since the day we left for college but I'm starting to think they may have been onto something.

Filler Moments

Lately I've been thinking a lot about something I like to call the "Filler Moments." I like to think of filler moments as the moments that happen between all the good stuff. It's that moment when the party's over and everyone's gone but you're left to clean up the mess. Or it's that moment when you're driving home from a vacation that you'd been looking forward to for months and now that it's finally over, it's just you in the car with a bag of Corn Nuts and a 32 oz. It's when you're alone on your bed scrolling through your news feed and you see that someone else has, yet again, "said yes to the love of their life" and the most you've done that day is watch 4 episodes of Vampire Diaries (no shame, btw. #teamstefan4lyfe). These moments are not very exciting and definitely not worthy of an Instagram post but they are what occupy 90% of our time. They are what fills the time between moments of excitement, joy, happiness, or any other positive strong emotion word you can think of.

Maybe it's the needy, millennial side of me that finds these moments to be kind of a let down. I crave excitement just like the next person. I even use outlets such as social media when I'm by myself just to feel some sort of connection to the fun, cool, trendy world that we all believe is possible to be a part of 24/7. But does it work? Nope. Do I do it anyway? Yep.

It's during the "Filler Moments" that my mind wanders to a place of let down. I start to irrationally think that because I'm not with someone at every moment of every day or off on another exciting adventure with my homies that I must be doing something wrong. Of course any Baby Boomer parent would stroke my hair with a concerned look on their face and tell me just how twisted my logic is in that statement, but here's the kicker: I'm not the only one that thinks this way. Don't we all get wrapped up in this idea that having cool, hip lives all the time is not only possible but necessary for us to feel joy? Better yet, don't we need to be well-liked by everyone who knows us so we can feel good about ourselves? Don't we all have moments when the number of likes or followers defines our sense of worth and therefore level of happiness? Why is it that we have this intense desire to build a life that is coveted by every outsider? Because we're looking for satisfaction in the wrong places. We aren't going to find it in moments that are few and far between but that get us a lot of instagram likes. Yes, they are wonderful and yes, we want those moments but the majority of our life is involves working, grocery shopping, sleeping and a healthy amount of Netflix.

Today, I was pondering this a lot. Most of my time was spent texting people, checking my snapchat, and running mindless errands all in efforts to make myself feel busy. There was, however, a moment from today that stood out. It wasn't anything special but it was real. It showed a side of someone that was raw and unmasked. It happened while I was at lunch with a friend. She was sitting across from me in sweats, an old high school hoodie, her hair pulled back and zero make-up on her face. Don't get me wrong, my friend is beautiful but I know she's seen better days. There was, however, a part of me that really loved that's what she decided to show up in. Appearance was the last thing on her radar. Her priorities were elsewhere

While we were talking, she was venting about some personal issues she's been having in her life. As the tears started welling up, I could tell we were reaching topics that were close to home for her. We talked about loneliness and disappointment (feelings we can all relate to at some point). I was happy I could be the listening ear that she needed in that moment. For a few short minutes, I had a purpose.
It may have been easy for me to categorize this moment as another filler but it really wasn't that at all. It was two human beings eating food and talking about very real struggles. Struggles we wish weren't there but also struggles that essential parts of life. Unfortunately we usually carry these burdens alone because we are too afraid of "letting our human" show to the people around us.

It made me realize how much of my unhappiness rests on the ideal. There is a part of me that thinks I'm the only one in the world that fights to find purpose all the time. It's the ideal that teaches is that everyone is super confident and pleasant all the time because they're surrounded by friends that love them at every moment of every day. I truly believe, however, that there is light to be found in everyday moments. Being a Christian, I call that God. But even if that's not your thing, there is a secret

So what's the solution? Enjoy the filler moments. Find purpose in the mundane part of life. Embrace your imperfections and love the people around you. Life is filled with a lot of really great moments and if we're not careful we'll slosh those moments in with the grocery shopping and the TV watching. Not only that but pretty soon you'll be left a whole lot of nothing. So be cautious. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're life is supposed to be any different.

For The Love

First off, blogging's never been my thing. Truthfully, my initial thoughts were: "Are blogs even a thing anymore? Does the world really need another person blabbing about how awesome their life is or how cute their clothes are or how you can turn your house into this beautiful mansion with $5 dollars and a screwdriver?" Of course that's not what all blogs are about but that was how I built them up in my mind. It felt like another outlet for people to turn the spotlight on them so they could be praised by all their viewers. 

So, here's the thing about this blog. It's purpose is mostly to spew my guts out about the real parts of life in hopes of making people feel like they can relate to at least a tiny part of what I say. It's purpose is to bring light to real life problems we all face and sometimes just need to hear that we're not alone to feel better about it. 

I was inspired me to start one because one of my biggest pet peeves in life is insincerity. I hate feeling like I have to put on a show for people to be accepted and I hate feeling like that's what people are doing with me. Most of us spend our time trying to convince everyone that we're perfect and that we got it all figured out. We train ourselves to think that if you don't have your ish together there must be something wrong with you. I'll be the first to admit that I definitely fall under this category from time to time AND I HATE IT. My hope is that as I put my real feelings out into the blogging world that it will give courage to people (including myself) to stop the need to put on a show.

This morning I stumbled across one of my friend's blogs. It was moving and beautifully written. It wasn't even about anything traditionally "moving." It was just her. It was genuine. She held nothing back about the things she struggles with and how her life is anything but perfect. She talks about her mental breakdowns, the unkind judgements she sometimes passes, the addiction she has to Diet Coke. The greatest thing she talks about though is how she manages to find peace through her Savior despite the chaos. I was amazed. Why was I so captured with this girl's very normal day-to-day routine? Because I could relate to her. 

I also just finished reading a book called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. (Totally life-changing. I highly recommend it.) She mentions how often times we think of being brave as not letting the world see our weak spots. However, when we watch someone else be open about their weaknesses, we call it courageous. It really struck a chord with me. The only logical reason I could think of for why we do that is because we're afraid. We're afraid the world will see the real us and think we're undesirable.

It's been a combination of these two experiences that helped me realize that it's not about how high we build our walls that make us powerful or about how perfect we pretend to be. It's about exposing our true selves and letting that side of us be seen. God did not create us to live in fear. Growth does not come from pretending we've already reached perfection. It comes from brushing the dust off after falling flat on our faces and trying again. 


I decided to name this post, "For the Love" because of some funny experiences I've had with a dear friend at work. I catch him using this phrase all the time. Every time something goes slightly wrong- "for the love." He forgets his keys inside after we've already made it to the parking lot- "for the love." He drops an orange peel on the ground and sees no practical way of picking it up without dropping the 10 other things he already has in his hands- "for the love." It cracks me up every time I witness one of those moments and it's a good reminder that we're all human. We can expect to make mistakes. Once we capture that, the pressure is off. There's no one left to impress. 

Now, you will quickly come to find out that my religious affiliation plays a big role in my views on life. Much of what I say here will probably refer back to that. I'm a strong Christian and find a lot of life's answers through my belief in Jesus Christ. It's because of my relationship with Him that I find peace during some of the hardest times and because of that I will be forever grateful to Him.

To wrap this all up, my main reasoning for starting this personal vent sesh was to be another voice among the many that helps people realize that we're all trying to figure things out and if you think you already have then you're wrong. In the words of Brene Brown, "Courage is showing up and letting yourself be seen."