So, I've had an awakening. Something happened to me this week that has drastically altered the way I view myself and all the boys I've ever come in contact with within the past 6 years of my life.
Earlier this week I was sitting in a booth at JCW's mindlessly sipping my hot chocolate as I listened to a boy give me "the talk." He nervously ran his hands through his hair as he stumbled to say the all too familiar lines- "I really wanted this to work but I just don't see it going long term." "I think you're great and we should definitely still be friends." "I hope this doesn't mean the next time I see you that it will be awkward between us." As I sat there listening to him trying to let me down easy, this thought of *this feels wrong* kept running through my head. Not wrong as in I'm totally in love with this boy and we're meant to be together so this is totally wrong-wrong. Wrong as in this feels premature and no wonder you don't see it going long term because we've only been going out for 3 weeks and if you're already trying to see if you can picture us choosing china patterns together then YOU'RE the wrong one.
However, I remained calm throughout the conversation. I even inserted a few "No, you're totally fine!" and "I get it, no biggie" comments to let him know that I really was fine but I still couldn't shake the feeling. Is this really the fate of my love life? One of us loses interest after a few weeks so we move onto the next person. That's how it's always been so that's probably how it will always be. The whole process seems to come just as easily to all of us as deciding we don't like that sweater that's been sitting in our closet for months so we better just donate it to DI. It wasn't working with our wardrobe and I definitely don't see it being part of my style "long term."
At the end of it all, we parted our ways and I immediately called my sister. Within 2 minutes of talking to her I realized something. The reason most young people don't make it past the 3-week dating threshold is because we're all quitters. It may sound harsh but it's true. How often do we hear that the millenial generation has all this potential but their unrealistic expectations is what causes them to quit something just as fast as they start it? We also happen to be one of the most depressed generations we've seen yet. My theory is we're depressed because the most important part of our lives (relationships) keep failing. We may claim we don't believe in love at first sight but isn't holding out for someone to sweep you off your feet within the first 3 weeks of knowing them pretty much saying the same thing? Sure, you've made it past the first sight but it's basically just postponing the love part 21 days and seeing if it happens then.
Simon Sinek gave an amazing interview on millenials in the workplace recently (highly recommend) and though I didn't realize it at the time, listening to that interview really prepared me for my moment of awakening. He said that millenials aren't patient. We all have great intentions. We want to have happy, meaningful lives but we forget about the time and patience it takes to get there. He compared our situation to us standing at the bottom of a mountain and wanting to reach the summit but being unwilling to make the climb it takes to get there. After 8 months of working in a new job, we think we should be highly satisfied and if we're not, then we should just quit and find something else. Or after 3 weeks of dating someone, if the sparks aren't there then we should move on to find someone that does excite us. The sad part is that because things continue to not work out, we're left feeling depressed. Few things have meaning in our lives because we aren't willing to put the time in for them to become meaningful.
Simon's words paired with the hundreds of dates I've gone on made me realize I've been doing it all wrong. A year ago, I would have been right there with hot chocolate boy, agreeing with every word that came out of his mouth. We would have both left that conversation feeling proud that we managed to have such a pleasant meeting and would have left on our merry little way in search of the next relationship destined for failure.
After the trillionth time of this happening, however, I decided to say something. Within 5 minutes of leaving each other, I called this boy. He answered the phone and after a few awkward filler phrases I started to speak freely about what I was thinking. I let him know that I think we had it all wrong. I think the reason it felt like we didn't have chemistry is because dating scares the hell out of both of us. I said it's because we place such high expectations on relationships that we start out feeling scared and nervous to begin with making it impossible for us to be ourselves. In order to make sense of it all, we start blaming it on the lack of chemistry. We say that if it were meant to be, things would be easier from the beginning. That's the first lie we tell ourselves. Never have I made a best friend within the first 3 weeks of knowing that person. Truthfully, I question the people who say they have. How deep can any friendship be that's lasted only 3 weeks? Sure, maybe if you spend every waking moment of every day together but even still, there is no replacement for time.
It makes me think about my dear friend, Sarah (not her real name but why not). Sarah and I met over the summer on a camping trip with friends. I thought Sarah was cool, she thought I was cool, we exchanged numbers. Done. A few months later, I moved up close to where Sarah was living. She and I reconnected and started spending a lot more time together. We would hang out every weekend and our hangouts were nice and enjoyable but it wasn't until 3 months of us seeing each other 1-3 times a week that we really started to feel like best friends. It took a lot of time for me to actually feel comfortable being myself with her. In the beginning, things were pleasant enough but nothing too exciting would happen while we were together. Now almost every time we hang out, we end up laughing until our stomachs hurt. I'm seeing a whole different side of her I didn't know existed because of the time it took for us to be comfortable around each other. (Now, if I could marry Sarah, I would but unfortunately neither of us swing that way.)
Why would we ever assume it'd be different with romantic relationships? Isn't all of our dreams to marry our best friend? Don't we all want someone who will make us laugh until our stomachs hurt?
My advice to my fellow millenials is to be patient. Unless the person sitting across from you in that JCW's booth smells like feet and has absolutely nothing in common with you, give them a bit more than a few weeks. I know that's the advice all the old people have been giving us since the day we left for college but I'm starting to think they may have been onto something.
